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Last year my birthday gave me surprises long before it was my birthday: I saw a psychologist which opened up a whole can of worms into my life, each worm being in itself a surprise, and each surprise lasting well into this year.  As a result I read a ridiculous number of books related to my situation, (I tend to become momentarily obsessed with topics).  And then this year my birthday surprises came after my birthday, and once again, on account of a visit to my psychologist.  (I started seeing her again in August).  And it's not that I want to have problems, or that I need to talk to someone about them, or that I'm all emo or goth and have to have problems, it's that I know something isn't right (it's called ASPD), and that I want to understand, to control, to ensure that what I want for a life is not endangered by some grenade planted deep within my brain somewhere which will one day explode and ruin me once and for all, because... the grenade is there: it's not just the anger I now realize, because deep inside me there is this inherently self-centred selfish destructive (to others not just to me) core, one that doesn't give a shit about anyone or anything except itself and achieving whatever whim it suddenly desires.  This is what writers refer to as the fatal flaw in a character.  I now know mine in some detail but refuse to let it destroy me.  I'm not sure I can keep it from controlling me.  And unless you have been here where I am now I don't think people can fully appreciate it.  It's powerful.  It's like an addiction.  It's like learning you are addicted to breathing and have to stop because breathing will kill you.  It seems impossible.  I got a taste of it last year but this year I think I got to the bottom of it.  I think we got to the bottom of it, because, I don't think I could have got nearly this far without my psychologist, despite what she says about my obsessive efforts to understand.  I'm not sure if anyone finds this interesting but I am aware that a lot of people are silently suffering through problems they are too scared or embarrassed to share or seek help to resolve and it angers me that there are so many problems where there are so few people to talk to, even fewer who can help, and almost no one who will simply accept.  And everyone has some kind of problem.  "Mental Disorders" are the norm.  My boyfriend tends to be too compassionate and caring to the point where it causes him distress at work (he's an RN).  Normality is rare.  My eldest niece seems to be a lot like me when I was her age: hyper sensitive to everyone and every thing.  I'm being the person I needed when I was her age in the hope that it will help her be less like I am now.  But, before, I mostly just didn't care, then as more people made more comments to me about things I said or didn't say or did or didn't do it concerned me.  I'm an intensely private person and didn't want people to know THAT much about me.  I normally don't even want people to know when my birthday is. :P  Basically I don't even like it when my sister knows about what I'm doing, and I would never dream of sharing any personal interests with co-workers.  Or my boyfriend, as I discovered recently, who after having watched Hannibal (both seasons) with me became interested in my fantasies.  Despite everything we have talked about, and we've talked about just about everything, I did shock him.  I think he's maybe just a little disturbed, but also knows that I know what the consequences would be.  I'm not going down that path, I told him this much.  Right now it's a fight against my biology, my genes, and the weird way my brain is put together and so far I think I am winning, despite feeling like I am two people in here: the ASPD me, and The Other Me.  Recently I wondered if perhaps the ASPD me is me when most of my emotions are Off; The Other Me is still me, but when my emotions are On.  I was in two heated conversations last week and did not become angry even once.  I'm getting good at this. :)  Perhaps too good, everyone thought I was really upset when I wasn't, despite the fact that I cared about the subject and was hardly indifferent toward it.  And then on the weekend I played Monopoly with my boyfriend.  We haven't done this yet, mostly because I told him I'm not that much fun to play with, because I take the game far too seriously, because I always win.  I simply MUST win.  I've done the math on it.  I have a strategy that works virtually every time (buy the middle priced properties, they have the highest return on your investment, and never waste money on the most expensive properties).  And don't be kind to the other players, that is, don't change the rules.  So we played and I destroyed him in about two hours, but he claims he had fun.  "Next time," he said, "every time you get paid rent you have to take a drink."  I love this guy. :)
  • Listening to: Submotion Orchestra
  • Drinking: DiHydrogen Monoxide

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Moosezoomin
Sonja
Artist | Professional | Literature
Canada
Sonja is my middle name. Don't ask what my first name is, I won't tell you, not ever, not even if you beg, send me photos of you on your knees pleading, or send money. Okay I might if you send enough money. Until then no one will ever know! I'm from Toronto. I grew up on both coasts then came back to Toronto when I graduated from university only to regret it (that's right, the Mayor is that world famous fascist). I'm escaping into the country in a couple years to be surrounded by trees and birds and all things green.

Since I'm one of those Renaissance eccentrics, all self-centred and intellectual, forgetful of holidays and special occasions, egotistical and mildly arrogant, and especially childish on occasion :P I am interested in most things and like to pursue a wide variety of subjects, mainly to keep myself amused. That's right, life is all about keeping me amused. So to that end I write fiction, paint, do photography, read copious quantities of science and fiction, I like crafts and woodwork, I listen to music almost constantly, decorating my home, making music (Ambient and something like Down Tempo/Post Rock) and tinkering with things, and doing research to learn about whatever it is that interests me at the moment (this is essential to my writing in fact).

Most of the time people think I'm extremely pleasant, despite my often obvious social ineptitudes, but I find that I'm uncomfortable, easily exhausted, and awkward in social situations when I am NOT the centre of attention, which I like to be, but only when I feel like it, and which is not all the time or even most of the time. I'm not an Introvert, nor am I an Extrovert, I am whatever the situation requires: eminently reprogrammable and adaptable. Which also translates into: I have no idea who I am because I can be anyone. :( If you're a psychologist looking for an interesting case study, I'm available.

The only thing that pisses me off is stupidity. That's right, nothing else upsets me except stupidity. I've analyzed this carefully. So if you want to see only my pleasant side, don't say/do anything stupid. I really have no tolerance for it. It really will send me into an uncontrollable girlish rage complete with throwing and breaking of things. :P It's why I avoid the news, media, and most public venues, and people in general.

While I really appreciate having my work favourited or added to a group I may not always say thank you. In no way does this mean that I do not appreciate your effort, merely I just did not or do not have the time and so often, and most importantly, I feel like I'm cluttering someone's nice DA account with "Thanks for the favourite :D" rather than a more meaningful comment, and then I feel compelled to visit their gallery, and invariably there are more comments that appear necessary to me, and it's just more than I have time for and I really want to be a part of DA. So, this is your thank you, right here, and right now.
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:iconitsmyccrets:
itsmyccrets Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy Birthday Sonja!!!
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:iconpearwood:
pearwood Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
A blessed birthday, Sonja.
Steve
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:iconnabarisyoite:
NabarisYoite Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hello
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:iconmoosezoomin:
Moosezoomin Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2014  Professional Writer
Hi
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:iconnabarisyoite:
NabarisYoite Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
How are you?
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:iconitsmyccrets:
itsmyccrets Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy Birthday (middle name) Sonja... :tighthug: ...
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:iconmoosezoomin:
Moosezoomin Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2014  Professional Writer
LOL  Thanks :D
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:iconpearwood:
pearwood Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
A blessed birthday, Ms Zoomin' Moose!
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:iconmoosezoomin:
Moosezoomin Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2014  Professional Writer
Thank you :)
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:icondouglashumphries:
DouglasHumphries Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2014
many thanks for the watch and favs Sonja ! :)
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